To my surprise and somewhat narcissistic delight, I’ve actually received a few emails from readers who aren’t my mom who are asking, “So, now that you’re married, will you continue to blog about weddings?”

I guess so? I mean… I’m a wexpert now, right? (That’s “wedding expert” written by an incredibly lazy typist, and you’re welcome.)

Or… perhaps more enjoyably, as somewhat of a comedy writer, the wedding industry remains an easy target. After all, it writes itself into the butt of all jokes. For instance, take this piece of important journalism, brought to us by the E! network’s website. The serious investigative journalists there asked a wedding planner named Mindy Weiss to give a few pro-tips for having the best wedding ever, and her No. 1 rule is “Don’t lose the rings!”

Groundbreaking! In fact, now that I’m a wexpert, too, let me add a couple of tips to the list:

1) Don’t forget to put clothes on!

2) Don’t forget to show up!

Actually, fuck it. Even if you forget to put clothes on, your wedding will probably be fine as long as you (and your future spouse) show up. Really, once you remember the point of your wedding—to get married—nothing should phase you. In other words, everything the wedding industry tells you to worry about (the dress! the cake! the guest list! the food! the invitation! the fucking rings!), is a sham. It’s all a made-up game to get you to plunk down more money on more shit you don’t need and/or care about.

What’s funny, though, is that of all the tips most wexperts give, very few seem to remember the most important one (but that’s probably because their jobs depend on you freaking out about stupid shit): 

CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Here’s little secret shambles that went down at my own wedding: my maid of honor (aka, best bitch) lost my vows about an hour before the ceremony.

Now, according to the wedding industry, I should have…

I should’ve immediately ended the friendship, cried in the corner and called the wedding off.

But instead, my reaction was more like…

I must say, I was remarkably calm… like, out-of-body calm. Now, perhaps it was because I hadn’t eaten in three days or slept in, like, five. But I honestly did not even flinch. I just reminded myself that as long as I was to be married at the end of the day, everything would be a resounding success, “perfect” vows or not.

Literally, save for an asteroid falling to Earth and actually preventing the wedding from happening, anything that the industry promises will ruin your wedding is small and inconsequential. Even losing the rings vows.*

Here’s a list of other stupid stuff that happened that, according to many wexperts, should’ve devastated my day:

  • This might be TMI, but I  didn’t get a chance to cut my toenails, which meant… ugly toes! (I’m the only one who noticed.)
  • Another wedding imperfection: the bus that transported most of our guests was late, which delayed everything for about 45 minutes.** (We ended up getting our a partial refund.)
  • I also felt a zit emerging on my nose. (There’s make-up for that.)
  • My dress was wrinkly in the front because I didn’t get a chance to steam it as properly as I would’ve liked. (Who cares?)
  • I cut my own bangs the morning of the wedding… and didn’t do that professional of a job. (Well… that was just kind of dumb.)
  • My veil kept falling off. (Put that shit back on.)
  • Etc. Etc. Etc. (Whatever.)

I did not care. And you will not care about dumb shit like this at your own wedding (and yes, something, anything will go wrong). In the end, though, if you focus on the most important goal of the day—getting married to the love of your life—I promise you, future brides (and grooms), your day will be outstandingly great. Just check the asteroid report beforehand.

*Consequently, about five minutes before the ceremony, our officiant came through with an older copy I’d sent her previously, and I was able to wing my changes quite gracefully.

**We ended up getting half our money back… not that it really made a big dent, though.

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