While I’ve managed to keep my wedding ensemble offline for the sake of a romantic surprise for the groom (my own private unicorn barf), I’ve given a few hints to him and on this blog about what it looks like (it’s long, light and has black detail on it). And I’ve probably given even more hints about what it doesn’t look like; that is, it doesn’t really look like a “wedding dress.”

One theme I’ve noticed on my Pinterest page was that many of the gowns I tended to like had some sort of pattern on them. I guess that’s because in my everyday outfits, I’ve also been adding patterned pieces, including (and this is the moment when I think I got obsessed with prints), this cropped ’70s blouse I found at Pretty People, a local vintage store a few miles out of DC proper.

In any case, I like wearing weird shit sometimes, which might be why I could imagine getting married in these. As always, they’re posted most expensive to least.

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So, this frock is phenomenal. Which might be why it costs…um…$10,248. It’s Valentino. But it’s more than the label (because, really, who cares that much about that). Hold on, let’s get a close-up…

It's individually cut cotton piqué flowers with all-over embroidery AND a print. Shall I go on? It's lined with organza and IT HAS POCKETS. Can someone with a lot of money purchase this and then let me try it on? I'll pay you, like, $20.

It’s individually cut cotton piqué flowers with all-over embroidery AND a print. Shall I go on? It’s lined with organza and IT HAS POCKETS. Can someone with a lot of money purchase this and just let me try it on? I’ll pay you, like, $20. Thirty if you hum the theme song to Rocky while I stare intensely in the mirror.

This dress may look demure from the front...

This Etro dress may look demure from the front…

But it is bad-ass from the side...

But it is bad-ass from the side…

And a stone-cold stunner from the back. If I $2,651 to spend on a dress, this is what I'd buy.

And a stone-cold stunner from the back. If I had $2,651 to spend on a dress, this is what I’d buy.

While this $2,227 Roberto Cavalli number could use a bit of lifting in the booble area, I'm definitely digging that it's silk satin with a sweet print.

While this $2,227 Roberto Cavalli number could use a bit of lifting in the booble area, I’m definitely digging that it’s silk satin with a sweet print. I’ll see Spanx in hell.

For $1,995, you can get this dress with a pattern that looks little bit like a technicolor Monet painting. In a good way. Plus, it's 100 percent silk chiffon. Solid.

For $1,995, you can get this dress with a pattern that looks little a bit like a technicolor Monet painting. In a good way. Plus, it’s 100 percent silk chiffon. Solid.

On sale at $669.91 from $2,685 (someone please take advantage of this), this silk gown by Balmain is just plain rad.

On sale at $669.91 from $2,685 (someone please take advantage of this), this silk gown by Balmain is just plain rad.

Designed by ALICE by Temperley, this statement silk and cotton gown costs $575, which is pretty damn good by wedding dress standards.

Designed by ALICE by Temperley, this statement silk and cotton gown costs $575, which is pretty damn good by wedding dress standards. Also, if you get in a ketchup fight later? NBD.

Finally, for the super hipsters, this $575 silk Peter Jensen dress, which draws inspiration from Hitchcock heroines seems like a pretty good ticket.

Finally, for the super hipsters, this $575 silk Peter Jensen dress, which draws inspiration from Hitchcock heroines seems like a pretty good ticket.

And speaking of tickets, look at the close-up of the pattern. SOMEONE PLEASE GET MARRIED IN THIS!

And speaking of tickets, look at the close-up of the pattern. SOMEONE PLEASE GET MARRIED IN THIS!

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