I realize I’m about to ruffle some feathers with this post, both metaphorically and literally, as I sit here typing with one hand while grooming the plumage of my helper eagle Balthazaar with the other. (His only job is to fetch me Cheez-Its. Blogging is hard work.) But I digress; let’s get to the metaphorical ruffling.

I think bridal and groomal (?) parties that you can’t count on your hands are ridiculous. Does one really need/want 10 or more bridesmaids or groomsman? When did it become a thing that you have to ask anyone you’ve ever had a conversation with to join you at the alter? It looks like a goddamn circus up there.

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Equal…

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…opportunity…

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…WTF-ness.

Yes, the ridiculously sized wedding party knows no color or culture, and to my chagrin, this flawed concept seems to be based in history. According to my favorite kinda-reliable source, Wikipedia, Roman Law required 10 witnesses to surround the bride and groom in order to ward off evil spirits. This duty also, apparently, helped to spawn the preposterous notion that all these people had to dress the same. (Of course, nowhere in the law books did it note that you have to make sure the bridesmaids’ dresses were awful.)

Further to that history, says Wikipedia, is that the more bridesmaids and groomsman a couple had, at least in the the Victorian age, the more wealthy the couple was. Which actually brings up a pretty goddamn good point. I think a new rule should be that you shouldn’t involve more people in your wedding party than you can comfortably pay for.

And so I’ve decided to only ask one person to be my best bitch, er, maid of honor, no actually, let’s keep it best bitch. My fiance will be asking two friends of his to play pretty much equally important roles as best man and a custom roll we’re calling the emcee, which is basically the maestro of the whole shebang. And that’s that. This doesn’t mean we don’t have any other friends (and not just imaginary ones!), it just means we want to make sure we’re able to treat those in our wedding party right. While we’re sure these three friends would gladly do all this for free, we plan to reward their hard work by making sure no one shells out for a bad dress, pays for their own hotel room or stops getting nonstop awesome shit bestowed on them all weekend long. And everyone else who doesn’t get asked to do something? They shouldn’t be offended, but honored: we like you enough to pay a shit-ton of money to feed and booze you at our event without expecting any work in return.

Of course, besides the wanting to take care of our wedding party monetarily, we also want to make sure each person is doing something worthwhile; that is, in my opinion, each person in the wedding party should be there for a reason. The people we’re asking to do things have all been integral to our lives (as individuals and as a couple) in some significant shape and we feel comfortable that if we ask these people to fill these important roles, they won’t do so reluctantly. Trust me, with few exceptions, after probably the fourth woman you ask to be a bridesmaid, you’re going to get an eye-rolling “I guess…” rather than an enthusiastic “Fuck yeah!” Why? Because what’s the point? So here’s the other new rule, which I hope will be in Wikipedia one day: if you have to zoom a camera out so far that you can’t see the bride’s face (how much does the wedding industry tell us to spend on make-up again?), there are too many people in your goddamn wedding party. Stop that.

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