I’ve made my distaste of traditional wedding garb pretty well known. While it works for some, it just doesn’t work for me… mostly because I’m of the belief that if I’m going to be dropping $1,500 on a dress and another, say, $200 or so on accessories (or maybe more, once I convince myself I need one of these extremely expensive pairs of shoes), I want to be able to wear all this shit again. Also, Pnina Tornei’s penchant to make all brides look like Old West hookers has ruined the entire bridal industry.

Ergo, I shall continue to avoid bridal shops like the big, white, pouffy, glittery plague that they are and instead concentrate my shopping efforts on some good new-fashioned e-window shopping. That’s how I got the dress and, predictably, that’s probably how I’ll procure the shoes, too. So far, this is my favorite:

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Walking is overrated.

Unfortunately, aside from the hefty $325 price tag for these bad boys, made by L.A.M.B, they also boast a 4.75 heel height, with just a quarter-inch platform, which means, despite my love of the form, I probably definitely wouldn’t be able to function. Plus, since the dress is a bit busy already with the black detail, these just might be too much. Also, I’d be approximately 6’2″ in these, which sounds scary because that’s a long way to fall. On the other hand… they’re magnificent.

In any case, in an effort not to make a high-priced impulse buy, I continued my search. I came up with a more conservative back-up plan in this pair of Elie Tahari three-inch heels that are on sale for $139.99 down from $398. They’re not as spectacular, in my opinion, but at least I’d be able to stand up for longer than 15 minutes. Maybe even dance…

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Despite all my rage, my feet are still trapped in a cage.

Alas, my size is out of stock, so… back to the the first choice, yes? I mean, the booze will make me forget about the fact that it hurts to stand after five minutes…right? I believe that’s how it works. Perhaps, I won’t remember… Plus, this whole “walk down the aisle” thing seems a bit outdated. Maybe I can Segway down?

Or maybe there’s a less subnormal solution via this pair of 3.5-inch Cole Haan sandals on sale for $198, down from $298. Although I’m a skeptic, supposedly they have Nike Air technology in the footbed, which Oprah claims makes them comfortable to wear all day.

Meh, I dunno. The look of that shoe leaves me ambivalent, and aren’t we all supposed to cry about our wedding outfits? Yanno, say “woo to the shoe” and such? (If TLC makes that show without giving me royalties, I will sue.) Or maybe these are all manufactured, made-up wedding problems. After all, I’m wearing a long dress that will be covering my feet 90 percent of the time. In that case, maybe I’ll just wear these.

JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING!

JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING!

Sorry. I really should’ve warned you…

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