One of the worst things I’ve found about the wedding industry is that so many vendors assume that the bride is the only one making decisions. Sure, when it comes to the dress, that should be true (as long as the bride is paying), but for everything else? I don’t get it. For fuck’s sake, weddings generally involve another person. Or at least a cat.

Taking a more analytical look at it (mainly by drudging through the most horrific unicorn barfy cesspools on the Web, like The Knot and Wedding Wire), I’m beginning to form a theory. And that’s that “bridezillas” are to blame for this. You know, those awful women who post shit like this on those aforementioned humanity-sucking sites. Sure, these bitches are entertaining from afar; they make great Tumblrs (click on that above link for proof) and even have their own cringe-inducing television programs (although I dare you to get through all 3 minutes and 36 seconds of that video without wanting to gouge your eyes out with the nearest spork; sidebar: thankfully for my eyesight, I have no sporks around). But when you start confronting the disaster these half-wit Veruca Salts leave in their wake, that’s when their antics become a lot less amusing and way more soul-crushing. Yes, I’m convinced these motherfuckers ruined the wedding industry.

Here’s the rub: I don’t believe most women are like that, especially if I’m judging from firsthand experience and the growing readership on this here blog (*pats self on back*). I’ve been to quite a few weddings that make me believe that the majority of those getting married are reasonable, level-headed people, who want their partners to be involved in the planning to make sure this doesn’t happen, and surely, that finding wedding vendors who didn’t make it easier to be awful were out there in droves.

Alas, I was wrong. While perhaps bridezillas aren’t the norm, they seem to have caused the entire wedding industry to suffer from what I’m calling the few-bad-eggs phenomenon. It’s hard to find vendors who seem to get it when you just say no to glitter, both literally and proverbially, or when you show up with a groom who’s as actively involved in the decision-making process as you. That’s because the bridezilla a-holes are like nuclear A-bombs, and if you’re a vendor you plan for this contingency at the expense of everyone else. You cater to the awful because those of us who are reasonable (and have un-awful taste) won’t go ballistic if we don’t get exactly what we want. Instead, the industry knows we’ll either give in and realize that it’s not the material things that count anyway but the fact that we’re marrying our life partner, or we’ll give up and just DIY accordingly.

Quite frankly, this is bullshit. It’s as if we’re living in a world where dictators are treated as legitimate rulers, rather than eccentric outcasts.

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Willy Wonka knew how to deal with it—he disposed of spoiled brat Veruca Salt down a long choot. Unfortunately, the wedding industry has no such technology, so instead, it decided to negotiate with the terrorists and that’s not OK. It means that all too often, us normal brides have to deal with wild assumptions that we’re all going to be difficult, that we all want to fix every problem with more glitter, that we all even want glitter. It’s especially disheartening for the groom when he shows up and is completely ignored. (What is he? A woman at an all-male business meeting? <— Also, not OK.)

Luckily, this stark downfall in the industry can actually be helpful in quickly weeding out vendors you and your partner don’t and more importantly, do want to work with. For instance, my dude and I found that wedding vendors we want to work with will visibly find our attitude refreshing, while the ones we don’t want to work with are thrown off. (One stationery vendor literally gave us the Whatchyu Talkin’ Bout Willis? Side-Eye when we told her what we wanted the invites to look like. This is part of the reason why we decided to DIY our own. The other reason is because I’m still secretly 10 years old and like “art projects.”) But in more optimistic news, we’ve found easy success with a wedding venue, a caterer and a photographer, all of whom addressed both the groom and I as equals and have impeccable taste themselves. And so we’re holding out hope that we’ll find a DJ, a day-of planner and whatever the hell else we’ll need that we haven’t thought of yet with similar aplomb.

And don’t worry. I’ll make sure to keep you updated with all the most tedious details, if not solely to keep my own sanity. They said pimpin’ ain’t easy, but I think they never tried weddin’ plannin’ before…

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