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Naked cats!

One of the line items on the wedding industry’s insane checklist that my fiancé and I actually want to drop a couple grand on is a photographer. After all, if we’re going to be putting on an event that costs five figures, we sure as hell want it to be documented on more than just Instagram. Even with the Valencia filter.

But you know what we don’t want our photographer to take pictures of? The fucking morning after.

Yes, turns out, having a near-stranger roll through your bedroom the day after your wedding to take photos of your post-coital happiness (or your hungover head in a toilet?) is a thing people weirdos are doing now. Check out this excerpt from an excerpt of an article in New York mag about an article in The New York Daily News (yes, welcome to how we get our news in the 21st century):

Sexy shoots featuring rumpled beds and steamy showers are a hot new trend within the wedding business… these intimate photo shoots take place in newlyweds’ bedrooms or even the hotels where they’ve spent their first night as husband and wife.

Rightly, the New York mag writer, Kat Stoeffler, appropriately follows this excerpt with a one-word sentence: “Gross.”

I mean, seriously, unless your wedding is boring, dry and ends at 8 p.m., you’re probably going to wake up the next day and look like the business end of a donkey. We’re talkin’ an ass’s ass here.

But even worse than the aesthetics is the underlying reason why morning-after photography is apparently becoming a trend. According to New York mag’s account of the original Daily News article, women are supposedly insisting on this (as well as the similarly naked-unicorn-barfy pre-wedding boudoir photography) because they “fear that their fiancés are looking at pornography.” In other words, they think they need to compete with the 90-pound woman with the watermelon-sized fake boobs who’s having sex on screen with hundreds of people. Um… why?

Here’s what science says: save for men who are addicted to the stuff (like an alcoholic is to booze), porn’s not really a big deal. Why? Normal dudes don’t want to marry a porn star. Just like most women, most men want a spouse who’s more than just a thing to have sex on (and I picked those terms on purpose, as women in porn are often looked at as simple objects).

And you know what else? Most men want to marry a lady who prefers baking/eating cakes to farting on them. (<— DON’T CLICK AT WORK. OR EVER. Well, unless you’re with a large group and you’re playing “Who Knows the Internet Better.” In that case, this indescribably bizarre, very unsexy, albeit NSFW link will win every time.)

That said, if you’re so insecure, or if your fiancé has given you good reason to think he prefers a life of porn to a life with you, then perhaps you both need to rethink the whole marriage thing. At the very least, please don’t post your morning-after wedding porn on Facebook. As New York mag’s Ms. Stoeffler succinctly puts it, “[T]he sexist implications of competing with pornography for your partner’s attention have nothing on the psychic trauma sure to be inflicted upon the child who encounters mom and dad’s sexually sated faces on the Internet.”

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