Doods, life is good. Literally. We had our tasting at the caterer’s the other day and, holy shit-balls!, it was delicious. In retrospect, let’s pretend I didn’t just type “shit-balls!” because, well, that sounds kinda gross, and, as noted, everything was the opposite of that—it was freaking delicious. In short, our caterer has its food game locked down tight.

And they better, actually, because we’re paying—brace yourselves—about $130 per head.

Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, I agree, that is an exorbitant amount of money to spend on a single night of food, but #YOLO, right kids? You Oughta Live Opulently.

Of course, as someone who has a hard time buying brand name Lucky Charms® (the generic version are just as sweet), it took me several weeks worth of hyperventilating to realize how much opulence this wedding was forcing me to haz, and alas, after researching the average cost of weddings, the sticker shock gradually wore off. Sadly, $130 per head is not that outrageous in this industry…

And sure, there are cheaper ways to handle the vittles. A potluck wedding sounds like a great idea to keep both your guests and wallet fat. However, because my fiance and I both really love creative food (my penchant for children’s breakfast cereals aside), we felt if there was one arena we wanted to splurge on, it’d be the edibles.

The way I’ve been able come to terms with the objectively extreme cost is like this: what we’re not spending on a fancier venue, a bridal-shop wedding gown, elaborate centerpieces/decor, idiotic wedding favors, more expensive rings, letterpress invitations, etc. (we’ve all seen wedding industry checklists by now…), we have freed up to funnel into our over-the-top foodie-centric menu.

And in case you’re wondering what $130 a head gets you (I certainly did) it’s this:

To start, we’re having four butler passed-around appetizers, including Thai Spiced Watermelon Gazpacho, which tastes as complex and delicious as it sounds and is served in a mini-mug for easy sippage. We’ll also be having jicama and mango summer rolls with peanut dipping sauce, something called a Chicken Firecracker, featuring orange candied ginger, and a Caprese skewer drizzled in balsamic.

For dinner, we’re doing it Gangnam family-style, which is, somewhat surprisingly, more expensive than a plated dinner and, unsurprisingly, way pricier than a buffet. We chose family-style because we both personally hate waiting in lines and we also didn’t want to make our guests (and us) choose what they wanted to eat months in advance.

There will be no shortage of choices. For the main course, we’re having grilled rockfish made with a lemon and honey gastrique, chili, fresh herbs and olive oil served with leeks and asparagus. We’ll also be having grilled Argentinian skirt steak, which comes with artichoke relish and spinach. And for the vegetarians/vegans, we’re having a raw zucchini lasagna, made with pistachio pesto, sun-dried tomatos and a pine nut “ricotta,” which amazingly, tastes just like the dairy variety, and, oh yeah, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS: 

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But wait! There’s more! In addition, there’ll be salad, bread and starch sides, as well as a dessert buffet, featuring three different choices, which we’re opting for instead of a traditional wedding cake because…cake, meh, we’re just not that into it.

It’s also important to note the catering costs cover all the tables, chairs, set-up, prep and waitstaff involved. So, really, this is a fine deal, right? RIGHT????!?!?!??! Right.

At the very least, we have the comfort of knowing that of all the things bitches will probably complain about (you know every wedding’s gonna have some bitches complainin’ at it), it certainly won’t be the food.

Extra bonus: now we also don’t feel bad about registering for presents.

In any case, since I just went on for 600 words about how fabulous our caterer is, I suppose I should name drop. They’re called Main Event (not to be confused with Main Event, although that’d also be kinda awesome) and they are marvelous. They have been the most sane, understanding and all-around helpful vendor we’ve come across so far on this rarely delightful journey and we will sing their praises forever. Or, well, between bites. 🙂

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